Love Letters To The Proj

I’m just gonna say it: I didn’t like you at first.

You’re sharp. Technical.

You’re not even natural. Reinforced.

My fingers would ache and my forearms, 

I thought they were going to burst,

Like a bottle of lotion after it’s been in an airplane. 

I’m not sure why I kept going back for you. 

Up and down, my elation and disgust would yo-yo

I’d scream and chew,

I’d swear that I’d never make it through. 

And maybe I still won’t.

 

***

 

But I lied when I said that thing before, about not liking you.

When we first met, I felt like Humpty Dumpty: cracked wide open. 

I noticed your curves first. What got me was your multiplicity.

I continue to rope in.

Others do, too. I don’t mind. I can share.

You challenge me to love without attachment, to embrace the affair.

And it was all so exciting in the beginning, full, bright

Like a shiny new beach ball.

For you, I fall. Over and over again. 

And then the doubt sets in.

I thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought I should walk away.

Somehow you kept pulling me back. 

 

***

 

It’s been three years since. 

I’ve dreamt about you. I’ve trained for you.

I dedicated myself to you.

Finally I know our time has come to a close.

No longer in your throes, I built myself back up. 

Eventually I stopped falling.

The chains were clipped,

But my heart, it remains wanting. 

 

***

 

The hardest lesson in life: learning that progress is never linear.

I was injured. 

I’ve returned to you because I didn’t know where else to go. 

I know you, I knew you’d be kind. 

Don’t let me go.