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Humor

My CBD Story

I remember the first time I ever took CBD. It was at a college party, and a local sponsored climber was there, advertising her brand of CBD drops. “Sure, why not,” I said. “I’ll take a few.” I had never done drugs before, but CBD was different, right? It was just a plant.

I could never begin to imagine the life-changing journey I would soon embark upon.

Within moments, there was a warm, comforting sensation enveloping my entire body. All my aches and pains vanished. It felt like honey was flowing through my veins, like a voluptuous maiden was massaging my shoulders. My longtime climbing injuries vanished. The slight headache I had from listening to someone who had watched Free Solo rant about Alex Honnold and Sanni McCandless’s relationship was gone.

I began to feel as though I was floating, then opened my eyes and realized… I was floating! I was literally hovering a few inches off the ground. A few other partygoers turned to look in awe, but my climber friend was unphased. “What did you think would happen?” she said, laughing. “This isn’t just gas station CBD. This is premium stuff. Cannabis-derived. This is full-spectrum, eco-grown, organically harvested, fully natural-bio-enviro CBD. It’ll do that to you.”

I bought a bottle from her on the spot (15% OFF with her special sponsored discount), and began to take CBD regularly.

Within a few weeks, my arms had grown to the size of tree trunks, and I was consuming dozens of protein bars daily just to stay full. Very quickly, I began sending 5.13, then 5.14. Soon after, I began working all the 5.15s in the world, taking them down one by one (under the radar, of course).

Naturally, Adam Ondra’s PR team sent a hit squad of Czech assassins after me to stop me from taking over the climbing spotlight, but I managed to fend them off and escape, after macro-dosing with my bottle of CBD. At this point, I found that I was so strong I could crush a locking carabiner in one hand. I soon became strong enough to pick up entire boulders, and began stealing classic boulder problems from around the world, piling them in my backyard for my own enjoyment.

The benefits weren’t just muscular strength, however. CBD’s incredible anti-inflammatory properties meant that I could take 40-foot ground falls and walk away unphased. I could launch massive, high-speed rappels without gloves, and the skin on my brake hand was so tough, it actually burned the sheath off the rope.

My brain became so powerful I could solve complex math problems with ease. I made $1,000s day trading. I could take apart smartphones and put them back together with my hands.

But soon, it started to get out of control. I was dosing CBD multiple times daily, sometimes three, four, five, six times a day. My body and my mind became too powerful for my own good. I began abusing other drugs. Matcha. Turmeric. Evening Primrose Oil. Acai. Irish Sea Moss.

At one point, amidst the haze of a long-running CBD high, I found myself in an underground casino, roped into an arm-wrestling match with a male silverback gorilla. I beat him in two seconds, to scores of applause.

It was at that point that I realized… I’m in too deep. This stuff is too real. Too powerful.

So I quit, cold turkey. I threw my CBD bottle in the trash, and I never looked back. It wasn’t as simple as that, of course. The withdrawals were intense, and as my newfound musculature started to deteriorate, I was left with massive folds of skin that I had to wrap around my body like a toga.

These days I’m not strong, my body is inflamed, and if I were to take a high school algebra class, I’d probably fail. I’ve gone back to projecting 5.12, which is a bummer. But it’s worth it just to know that I’m finally clean.

That’s why I wanted to share my story. If you or a loved one is considering using CBD, then please… I’m begging you… be careful.

You have no idea what that stuff will do to you.

Disclaimer: the author of this article suffers from fibromyalgia and neuropathy, and he uses CBD daily to help manage his pain. However, he has not managed to levitate (yet).


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Owen Clarke is a writer currently based in Tennessee. He is a Contributing Digital Editor at Rock and Ice and Gym Climber. He enjoys Southern sandstone and fish tacos, and is afraid of heights.

Follow him on Instagram at @opops13.